HMMM!

so i told someone i would try to blog today and then i got on here read some things then decided against it! so...... anyway.. i guess i'll call this "keepin my mouth shut". its just not worth my words or thoughts at the moment. kinda wish i would've made this my first stop when i got on the internet. becuz something i did on another website so contradicts someones blog but nonethe less it all stands true from me! i dont know what thats about but okay! i'll be back later when i get myself thoughts together!

until then...

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

CONFUSION!

so....... i have a question... how do u show concern towards someone who has made it clear that they don't wanna speak to u!? i mean... the best i can do is try. but the words "i dont wanna talk to her" just keeps ringing in my head. i mean i'm not mad i just don't understand... why not me? what have i done!? i feel like my job has been revoked or something. but hey i roll with many punches and i guess i can definitely take this blow to the head. i guess.... maybe its nothing personal. well hopefully its nothing personal but i won't know. i don't even know what to do from here on. like whats my next move. i don't even know where this person is... this person... WIFEY!!! i don't know whats going on with her but WIFEY if u read this... I HOPE EVERYTHING IS OKAY!

sealed with a kiss directed to WIFEY...

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

UNFULFILLED LOVE!

lips won't move.. so my fingers have to

never did i think we'd be done b4 we finished. never did i dream of being threw b4 i got to show my true. how could u walk away with my heart when i'm standing still? standing still tryin to turn back time and see into the future all at once. my poor soul doesn't want to believe that its mate is gone without a plan of returning. how silly of u heart? how foolish of u love? why be unfulfilled?

the worst kinda love is love that didn't take its course. a love with unfinished business? how ridiculous... a love ghost? or a ghost of love? thats what my soul feels like right now. i guess this is how it feels when soulmates don't stick together when hearts that were once linked so perfectly decide to break the chain. i doubt the chain is broken though. i'm so dead inside, so hollow behind this chest... they both must be resting inside of him.

resting? i miss resting with him. whats the big deal?! love has lost again right?! does love ever really lose? or just the loser in love? so why love right?! why even wanna get to know true love? i think its the realness that kills us. whats real?! this is real. i am real. but love.. love has no destiny and its far from being a choice. love is natural and pure and a part of being! but being in love is the hardest concept to grasp.

our love was amazing and fun and entertaining and rich. it was full of surprises and i was ready for many more. but there won't be any. at least not for me. but if i'd had some kinda sign.. or warning... things would've been different right?! there i was thinking true love conquers all... i'd like to think so though!

my love's so unfulfilled. gotta just let it be! but i can't, can i? here i am dripping with passion...

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

WILL BE DECIDED IN 2009!

whats missing from my life is a love fulfilled. i've loved one with all i had and he repeatedly made me want to regret it. but still to this day i'm thinking why would i? i had the most fun i could ask for. and most of all i know how empowering and special love makes u feel. sure it has its negatives but most importantly it made me real. i mean the way i felt when i was with himis just different and more amazing then any other feeling.

but i can't erase the past and i can't act like i dont see the millions of mountains and miles between us. it hurts thinking that i can never take him back. i know i'm who he really wants but how do give him his way when he refused to give me mine a thousand times. i sometimes wich he did love that other girl so that he wouldn't torture me with all of his "i love u" and "i need u bad" text messages. i don't find myself needing him as much as i used to. but yet i don't find myself needing anyone well i probably do be in this lonely state i'm in i fidn it better not to really reach out. so while he's lookin for me to expect something amazing outta him i think i would be terrified if something amazig did happen. i dunno i'm kinda screwed.

oh yeah and my dougie.... man o man... my dougie. i've doen a really good job at sticking to my guns with this boy eventhough i haven't really gotten the chane to really test my limits but still i'm been good. but now its like i don't know what i want from him. i used to just wanna know that he cared but dammit if this past weekend haven't showed me that then i don't know what will. i mean he may not be in love with me but.... its something there. he just choosing not to voice whatever it is. i can deal with it for now i guess.

one last thing... that benjy guy is so on my nerves. now he feels the need to stress me about phone calls and what not like he's still number 1. HA! how f'n hilarious is he? u drop me and i damn sure won't care about pickin u up honey! but yet he calls early in the morning and send those why u not talkin to me text messages. i dunno if i should even entertain the situation. maybe i will maybe i won't but he's definitely not going to get the best of me this time. i guarantee it! later for him lol

so there are only two things in the air for me. 1.. is my one true... 2... is a possible relationship being formed with someone i would definitely have to teach how to love me. so no need to pull out the pros and cons right!? who wants to teach a man to love? but whatever happens won't happen until 2009 lol

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

BOYS!!!

why is it that every dude i know has been getting caught up lately or just been doing the dumbest shit ever. too many hurting females out here. they better watch out.

okay so today i got a call from an old boo! so unexpected and dumb as hell. see this is actually my most recent ex if u can say we were actually a couple. but he lives in AL and we've been friends for a while and then he tried to WIFE me from a distance. now mind u i was down for this dude. well i cheated on him after he disappointed me real quick but for a whole month i was all him lol. that sounds bad but whatever. u would have to know the whole story. so all of a sudden he got distant. FYI bad idea to get distant when there is already a huge distance between us literally. so anyway. we broke up on some childish drrunken text that my friend sent and i never heard from him until today. this was almost 2 months ago and now he talkin about he miss me. i don't get it. but i think this kinda put things in perspective for me. i think the reason why i'm so dead inside is becuz of him. like i felt like no matter what me and him would alwasy be me and him and he just let go with no words or nothing. like i didn't mean shit. so then i got so focused on dougie that i thought he would fill that void but it didn't happen like that. i just realized it. dougie was my physical and benjy (my ex) he was my emotional. he had me wrapped up and then he said "f" me. so i been mad at dougie when i shouldn't be. i mean i really do have feelings for dougie i mean mad feelings but i can't expect him to feel the same. i forgot how easy things were when benjy was in the picture. thenits like my dumbass BD makes things so much worse. i try to give him the benefit of the doubt and he just ruins everything all over again. granted if i could just fuse all 3 of them together i would have one cute ass, honest ass, loving ass, motivated ass dumbass boyfriend lol! but that just can't happen so forget it all!

all i need is a sugar daddy and i'm set lol

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

I"M SO CONFUSED

i swear i'm so retarded. how is it that i decide to soften up but then i choose to be nice to both dudes who i probably need to get outta my life lol. well i'm pretty stuck with BD but damn i can't get away from this drama. and its only internal drama becuz they don't even know that there is a problem. BD tries to back off when he knows i'm easily irritated but i think in his mind he thinks i'm with someone else. and my other loser just insists on acting like nothing ever went wrong between us. so i'm like whatever. i can play the game... but is that really what i wanna do? who knows right?! but its whatever. just can't wait to get my MOMO back home!

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

I'VE CHANGED!

i've definitely changed a lot this year. i didn't realize it until recently tho. i don't know if i've developed tougher skin or if my skin is actually getting softer so i decided to build a wall before i get too vulnerable. whatever it is its definitely showing a brand new side of me. i mean i'm not bitter but i'm mean and raw and i really don't care what anyone thinks. i play games a lot and i act like the victim lol. well in most cases i was a victim and maybe thats why i'm so shielded now. i dunno.

the good thing is i'm not a total pooper. my love is still the same and i don't find it hard to be happy for the people around me. i talked to my friend who used to be jealous of my past relationship and though her and her man aren't doing great i was encouraging her to do her best. i know what it feels like to be happy and in love and to feel like even when u have nothing left u have someone to hold u up when u just wanna give up. i know that feeling all too well and i want my friends to enjoy that. i really do. my WIFEY is totally cut off now becuz she gotta man lol. she doesn't need me anymore lol. sike no dude can be me but i can't be so stingy now. i get it.

as far as my love life goes. i don't think i want one. well maybe i'm tricking myself into believing that becuz the guys in my life are useless. i dunno. i just don't have time for drama or unnecessary pain. and i think they both bring that to the table. why can't i just find someone special who sees me for the beauty that i am. inside and out. i want my love whoever he may be, to see me and only me. and choose me and only me. and to be honest no matter what the outcome may be or how much pain it may cause. see i have one dumbass who is afraid to hurt my feelings and the other idiot who doesn't like to make me feel special. how fuckin dumb are they lol. but whatever life goes on and thats why i act the way i do now. i used to be this huge cake who just loved to cuddle and here those sweet nothings and kiss and hold hands and rub and just feel special all day long. but now i'm like i need my space homey. why are u staring into my eyes weirdo. u miss me? okay and? lol thats me i'm just mean but thats what i be thinking for real. i guess they ran up my damn patience or something. who knows. maybe i'm just faking lol.

i've definitely changed but i'm still JUST me! plus i'm becoming an aunt at the moment so nothing makes me smile harder.

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

...

so tell me how i got here? how did i get to the point where my BD has broken me down and hurt me once again. i guess TRUE love never dies and it definitely doesn't decrease in value. VALUE? i valued what we had... well i guess the point is i value what we have but how could he. how could he let that happen. i call that the unforgiveable. i guess! why didn't he tell me though. like come on. my heart is always on his side. how could he not know that. how did he miss that lesson. his initials are tattooed on my heart no matter who i'm with or where i'm at. (jordin sparks huh) lol but yet and still i can laugh but its not funny. its not funny at all. even the laughter hurts. i just can't pull it together this time. i'd just rather act like it didn't happen i'd rather act like i don't know him but how can i!? this is madness... the exact definition of madness. MADNESS! i can't really describe what i feel or why and i can't show it really but its nothing that anyone should ever feel. my heart is done its closed off and shut down and he says i'm making it worse by having nothing to say anymore. but to me there is nothing worst than how i feel. i'm one up always. "F" it!!!! i'll just let it be and hopefully this doesn't ruin me. hopefully i just think its this bad and tomorrow i'll be more rational. .... NOPE "F" ration. what he did was not RATIONAL. just whatever. i'm so over it... or not!

i promised to seal every post with a kiss... this one is just not as passionate as the rest... sorry

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

I WANT MORE!

so i let my dougie go. is it wrong to stay say "my"? whatever who cares. well i guess i didn't completely let him go just the intimate part which i'm pretty sure ruins everything else. i was too attached to someone who is damn near incapable of opening up. when i asked him what he liked about me he said "everything', lol he might as well had said because i'm cute so my response was "thats easy" but he didn't get it. so anyway i hope i can stay away from him becuz he's definitely my bad girl side. which made me forget about what i really want. i lost track of my true becuz obviously when everything is fun and great u don't think about what u need becuz u got everything u want, right!
so now that i've been facing some hard times i realized that he is far from what i need he is more like a vacation spot. a very intense and attractive vacation spot. i'm not saying that my feelings were fake or anything becuz i sure enough dropped a tear for this fool but it just wasnt at all what it felt like for the moment. like what was i thinking calling myself loving someone who i can't even confide in. i mean i'm sure he'd listen but he said i complained too much as if i didn't have anything to complain about. that used to get on my nerves. but whatever.
so after realizing how empty that relationship was i realized that i was kinda comparing him to my BD, who is horrible might i add. but he is the sweetest person and he really cares about me though he is a lying cheating ass loser. he was always there for me to run to, well unless it was him that was the problem lol. but he has been trying to be here for me but i won't let him in. i think that if i let him be here for me then i'll get sucked back into his madness and end up back in his madness. lol i hate that he did me so wrong becuz things would've been so great. i guess i'm not a ride or die though. too bad for us.
so as much as i want someone to take a walk with me...
let me explain this real quick. me and wifey have decided that the true test of love is to find someone who is willing to walk with u. so back to what i was saying lol
... i don't think i'll be taking this walk anytime soon. its only one person who i've ever been just completely wrapped up in and i don't trust him worth shit. he said i'm just afraid of the same things happening but i told him that its inevitable becuz thats just him and i think it really hurt his heart but i just gotta be honest. then there are other things like i can't really get over the fact that he had some other girl thinkin she took my place or the fact that he had my child around this tramp. and then of all things i don't think i could ever in my life have sex with him ever again (ugh). just the thought of it makes my skin crawl... not that it was bad or anything but we've been with other people and it just wouldn't feel right (i'm guessing). so anyway i'm stuck with the blues as bee put it. i want whats real but i want it now and waiting for that right person seems like it'll take forever. and obviously i'm not down on love i'm just afraid its not right for me.
i will say that i got the best love ever and thats my MOOKIE's love! she's awesome and when all else fails this goofy child can make me smile!

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

DEAR JOHN!

so in the middle of me writing my dear john letter to dougie i got some disturbing news. baby daddy called me saying i was full of shit and so on and so forth. said i was still tryin to be with dougie when i was in fact doing the opposite. so i don't get it. then he says he heard i was tryin to cuff this fool. i dont understand. come on read my posts lol. anyone who knows me know i was tryin to leave that boy alone. but get this. the funniest part is all becuz i said i missed him he thought we could get married. so i was just playin with his heart obviously... but not really but i will now lol i love me.

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

BOYS SUCK!!!

boys suck and they are losers. no matter who they are or what they can do for u they still suck. i wish i didn't care about him or other him becuz i feel like they are both breaking my heart right now wtf!
nevertheless things just have to get better, they just have to. maybe i should just start using niggas and playing them like they play me. HA!

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

MAYBE!

i'm starting to think that maybe my baby is my baby for a reason like maybe we don't have to end up together and he could be helping me in ways that i don't understand at the moment. so maybe leaving him alone isn't such a good idea. idk! i'll figure it out i'm so very indecisive. but thats me!

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

WHO AM I?

all of a sudden i'm kinda punkish! not in the wild and crazy rocker way, but in the soft ass bitch way. like i actually went to see my baby and didn't bring up anything that was bothering me. i kinda touched on it the other night but not nearly as much as i should have. but i'll be drinking tonight so hopefully i talk to him so i can spit it all out. its weird because i really wanna keep him around and not just becuz of the whip appeal. i just really got into him i guess. but if its pointless then i gotta realize what i really want. do i really wanna be CANDICE for a while or do i really want something more? if the truth is that i want something more then i need to leave him alone but if i'm gone be CANDICE then i can keep him and collect a few more.

but how about my baby daddy... we were really getting along and i was actually missing him a bit but then its always that something that says same shit different day. he never changes. always a liar always a disappointment. PERIOD! it just doesn't change. most irritating shit ever. but whatever life goes on and i deal with it. but i definitely don't have to deal with him. NEXT!

so now its seems like everything is getting worse for me and better for others. i mean its great that everybody isn't doing as bad as i am but its like when is my turn (sad face) again lol. i smile through anything tho. especially when i got a bad girl for a wifey and an angel is disguise for a daughter. i'll be fine i guess

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

SOOO...

...i'm still stuck with my baby. i guess i'll hold it in until the next time i see him so we can have that "last time" so i can feel like a nigga lol well like my old bad girl self. since thats where we at now.

...i've been talking to baby daddy a lot lately and he asked me to marry him .. random.. but i said no. i think he just wanted to see my reaction. i love him but i just dont see it anymore. why now though i mean. why after i leave why are dudes like that but whatever won't complain about that anymore its just how they are. i guess

...i was feeling a little better because i thought my brakes were fixed but now they talking about not until tomorrow so my car has to sit at this shop over night and i dont know how i'm getting to work. wtf! but i guess its kinda a good thing. so I'll (CHEESE!!)

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

LABOR DAY!!!

how about after the best day ever in a long while... i come home to find out my bag that has my life in it is still in my sister's trunk. SO VERY ANGRY. but whatever and on top of that i've decided to leave my baby to just do him. lol at me still callin him my baby. i don't think i'll ever stop. but yeah i guess when he finally finds time for his supposedly #1, then i'll have a lil sit down and and put everything out on the table and not really care how he responds. well maybe i guess it kinda depends. but yeah i think i'll do that and just let it be with B!
now on to another stressful week of working and driving everyone around. hopefully i get some things accomplished. if not then i'll be back on here venting lol


***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

I'M SO NOT OPTIMISTIC!

i've come to realize that i've changed more than i thought. like after reading my wifey's blog i learned that i don't see things as she does and that isn't normal. we're usually on point with this stuff. but not anymore i just don't care anymore well at least i'm tryin not to care anymore. i mean, when things go wrong i usually just be like okay thats life. but now i'm taking this personal. like life is telling me "hey joy, you've enjoyed yourself enough time to join the rest of the miserable people". as much as i wanna leave MI i don't see it happening anymore. a lot of set backs. then as much as i wanna stay with DB i don't see that happening anymore. i'm taking all things into consideration. i'm not that person who just wants to have fun and skate through life. i work for what i got but now its like working is not enough. i put my all into everything i do and now its not even coming close to being worth it. i guess i'm down and bitter right now. i'm not really bitter though i just don't understand why me why now. i've been so good and true ( well i guess). i've been true to the ones who matter mainly myself. i really reached this point in my life where i'm like i love me more than anyone ever can. so i'm set on love but companionship is something else. that is one thing that i cherish a lot. i like that mutual feeling and connection with another person but now its like the one i thought i had is fading like i've been blind for the longest period of time. or maybe i've been ignoring things i dunno, i really can't figure it out.
and now on top of all of my dreams seeming to be crushed my f'n car is getting worse and worse. i'm the only one with a car now so if my car fails then my house is doomed. like no one gets to work and no one gets anything accomplished. but yet its on me to get this shit together. i know i have helped if i'm completely at a loss but its seems like no one cares like i do. like they don't realize the situation. maybe because they aren't the ones doing all the driving around and all. like they don't know what sonny (my car) goes through on a daily basis. i need my sonny and my sonny needs me and we're finding it hard to be there for each other. i don't want this to add to my problems i think i would go into a deep depression. seriously!
i guess on a better note i can say that my child is healthy to my knowledge. she has to go to the doctor wednesday to get some S H O T S. she usually is good when she gets shots but its been a while and i'm not sure how she is going to handle them. i hope she is fine with it though. i have to look into some schools for her though becuz i think the baby sitter situation is changing big time. i can't afford this. i don't know what i'm going to do i swear i don't. oh yeah this was supposed to be a better note. well too bad for that.
umm lets try this better note again .... i'm seeing the wifey tomorrowYAY!!!


***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

MY LOVE LIFE!

well, this is where things get a little rough. i seem nice right?! my pic is kinda cute! my heart is in the right place and i have plans for the future! i mean i'm not crazy or psychotic and i don't stink i'm not money hungry and even though i'm a brat i will spoil the hell outta the next person. so here is the question: why can't i find a man? like a real man. i mean i was just in a 3 year long relationship and it didn't last because as usual i'm the best but i guess people don't want the best lol. but seriously i don't know why males have to be so dumb. like i guess i changed a lot for my last boyfriend. i figured if i did everything right and it still didn't work out then it can't be my fault. and low and behold i was right.

so now i'm single for the first time in my life it feels like. and i kinda like it but then again i'm stuck. like i have this dude in my life and i'll call him dougie! Dougie is my baby. like he is so different and the best thing about him is that he doesn't try to game me. which is weird for me becuz i'm used to being worshipped and all. and he's just like "yeah whatever, you're my boo". he don't say those famous lines like "i'm different from other dudes" which he is or the "baby i love u" lie. he won't sit up and tell me i'm so beautiful all day but he will tell me what he likes. he's just one of those ass's who u can't help but like. he's so backwards, yes is no and no is yes. but i love it. plus he's like extra cute with the prettiest itty bitty brown eyes i've ever seen on a grown man (lol) and these lips that just happen to be crucial as ever. he is awesome but i don't know what to do with him most days. its like everything is there except for the seriousness. like i said i don't really want a boyfriend but i wouldn't mind being with him. i don't know maybe he doesn't feel the same and thats why we're the way we are. i definitely try not to complain but i am a brat and i want what i want. he thinks he's my kryptonite or something.

regardless of whatever i need to get unstuck. i need to find a way to make things clear between me and him or cut some strings becuz i refuse to be the girl and sat around waiting on something that never came. bottom line i'm kinda a hot commodity lol and he doesn't want me dating other people so... obviously someone needs to step up becuz i would hate to disappoint him. i try not to do too much wrong becuz KARMA!? that bitch is a BITCH!!!

can't wait to see how this works out. hopefully for the best... even if the best isn't what i want at the moment.

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

MY LOVES!!!

Well let me start with explaining the title. I'm the type of person who loves hard so if i love you you should definitely not take it lightly. And its some people who know this to be fact and not only do they return the love but they appreciate me. My Loves are my heart and I'd do almost anything for them.

first and foremost my Jayla Kina aka MoMo aka Mookie aka just plain ol' Jay! nothing and no one comes before her. I'd straight give my heart and rib to make her happy. she is definitely a bad ass 2 year old but i'm hoping its just a phase (fingers crossed). i just hope that as she gets older she knows that there is nothing in this world that she can't tell me or share with me.

then there is the fam: kelicia, joe, donald the parents of course and my youngn's. its like four of them. and when i said parents that was minus the step mom. i love my dad most of the time and my step dad always have my best interest at heart no matter how frustrating he is and my mom. my mom used to be my bestest. we kinda fell off but its still floating around here somewhere. kelicia is about to drop my very first official nephew i can't wait. joe is my biggest support 98 percent of the time. and my brother in law donald, well he keeps us sane. my youngn's are my dad's children, they have become a huge part of my world i never thought i could love them so much but i do so watch out.

next is my friends: my miss's of course; cristal, sierra, and la'monique. there are no other bonds stronger. i mean none. to seriously consider how we came from so many different places and met at so many different times in our lives and sometimes we're really tight and other times we barely talk but trust its a bond truer that any i know.
i have a couple bestest; janine and eric. you know those friendships that last forever just because they are supposed to. just because when we decided to give our hearts to each other life took control and said you'll forever be friends lol.
then i have a few i recognize as my sisters no matter what because it just feels that way. like u know how u have those friends who are like family that you don't see much or talk to a lot but when you do its still feels the same. well this is where sierra g, adrienne, brittany, tiffany, and misha comes in. i love these girls!
then i have those girls who i've known for forever and we will always remain the same; tierra, keisha, and lauren. we used to be unstoppable lol.

okay enough of those bitches lol on to the real one: the one and only baby daddy! i've recently realized that what we had wasn't as real as we played it up to be but none the less that boy will always have a place in my heart. he is a sweetheart but he doesn't know what real anything is. i mean friends fam nothing. he's a lost soul out here and he needs me i just can't be there for him like he wants me to. i can't give in to that soft spot but it weakens my spirit and i like to be positive so i do what i can.


i hope i didn't miss anyone... there maybe someone else but u have to stay tuned for that!!!

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

My LIfe!

My life consists of a lot of different elements of me. I'm a mom a friend a daughter a step daughter a best friend a sister a baby mama and everybody's favorite lol. No seriously, I'm double dueces (22) still at home with mom and my only child just turned 2! I'm a MISS (mature intelligent sophisticated sister) yet and still. I have a handful of friends outside of my sisters. I'm a baby and middle child all at once. I work full time and still haven't found time to go back to college. I plan on moving to Chicago in about 5 months with my BGITWWW (bestest girl in the whole wide world). The best part of my life is waking up with my munchkin! Jayla Kina Armstead. She is my life my world and people try to question my parenting skills and my loyalty to her and that is probably the worst thing anyone could ever do. Warning: never assume that I'm too much into something else that I can't focus on her. Yeah life gets hard and she probably spends more time with my mom than she does me but I gotta work to take care of her because no one else does. I'm like one hundred percent her support system. Don't get me wrong her daddy is around but he's a child himself and he doesn't know what it means to provide and take care of her. He thinks I'm supposed to tell him what she needs lol. Silly boy he is. I mean really outside of that he let me go and thought I would come back lol. But whatever we'll get in to all of that later. This is just a snippet. I'll introduce everyone of importance or lack there of in my life and then you'll learn to love me as they do. And I'll seal every post with a kiss. I promise!

**MUAH**
Keepin It Pretti ... still!!!!