I WANT MORE!

so i let my dougie go. is it wrong to stay say "my"? whatever who cares. well i guess i didn't completely let him go just the intimate part which i'm pretty sure ruins everything else. i was too attached to someone who is damn near incapable of opening up. when i asked him what he liked about me he said "everything', lol he might as well had said because i'm cute so my response was "thats easy" but he didn't get it. so anyway i hope i can stay away from him becuz he's definitely my bad girl side. which made me forget about what i really want. i lost track of my true becuz obviously when everything is fun and great u don't think about what u need becuz u got everything u want, right!
so now that i've been facing some hard times i realized that he is far from what i need he is more like a vacation spot. a very intense and attractive vacation spot. i'm not saying that my feelings were fake or anything becuz i sure enough dropped a tear for this fool but it just wasnt at all what it felt like for the moment. like what was i thinking calling myself loving someone who i can't even confide in. i mean i'm sure he'd listen but he said i complained too much as if i didn't have anything to complain about. that used to get on my nerves. but whatever.
so after realizing how empty that relationship was i realized that i was kinda comparing him to my BD, who is horrible might i add. but he is the sweetest person and he really cares about me though he is a lying cheating ass loser. he was always there for me to run to, well unless it was him that was the problem lol. but he has been trying to be here for me but i won't let him in. i think that if i let him be here for me then i'll get sucked back into his madness and end up back in his madness. lol i hate that he did me so wrong becuz things would've been so great. i guess i'm not a ride or die though. too bad for us.
so as much as i want someone to take a walk with me...
let me explain this real quick. me and wifey have decided that the true test of love is to find someone who is willing to walk with u. so back to what i was saying lol
... i don't think i'll be taking this walk anytime soon. its only one person who i've ever been just completely wrapped up in and i don't trust him worth shit. he said i'm just afraid of the same things happening but i told him that its inevitable becuz thats just him and i think it really hurt his heart but i just gotta be honest. then there are other things like i can't really get over the fact that he had some other girl thinkin she took my place or the fact that he had my child around this tramp. and then of all things i don't think i could ever in my life have sex with him ever again (ugh). just the thought of it makes my skin crawl... not that it was bad or anything but we've been with other people and it just wouldn't feel right (i'm guessing). so anyway i'm stuck with the blues as bee put it. i want whats real but i want it now and waiting for that right person seems like it'll take forever. and obviously i'm not down on love i'm just afraid its not right for me.
i will say that i got the best love ever and thats my MOOKIE's love! she's awesome and when all else fails this goofy child can make me smile!

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti