I"M SO CONFUSED

i swear i'm so retarded. how is it that i decide to soften up but then i choose to be nice to both dudes who i probably need to get outta my life lol. well i'm pretty stuck with BD but damn i can't get away from this drama. and its only internal drama becuz they don't even know that there is a problem. BD tries to back off when he knows i'm easily irritated but i think in his mind he thinks i'm with someone else. and my other loser just insists on acting like nothing ever went wrong between us. so i'm like whatever. i can play the game... but is that really what i wanna do? who knows right?! but its whatever. just can't wait to get my MOMO back home!

***MUAH***
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I'VE CHANGED!

i've definitely changed a lot this year. i didn't realize it until recently tho. i don't know if i've developed tougher skin or if my skin is actually getting softer so i decided to build a wall before i get too vulnerable. whatever it is its definitely showing a brand new side of me. i mean i'm not bitter but i'm mean and raw and i really don't care what anyone thinks. i play games a lot and i act like the victim lol. well in most cases i was a victim and maybe thats why i'm so shielded now. i dunno.

the good thing is i'm not a total pooper. my love is still the same and i don't find it hard to be happy for the people around me. i talked to my friend who used to be jealous of my past relationship and though her and her man aren't doing great i was encouraging her to do her best. i know what it feels like to be happy and in love and to feel like even when u have nothing left u have someone to hold u up when u just wanna give up. i know that feeling all too well and i want my friends to enjoy that. i really do. my WIFEY is totally cut off now becuz she gotta man lol. she doesn't need me anymore lol. sike no dude can be me but i can't be so stingy now. i get it.

as far as my love life goes. i don't think i want one. well maybe i'm tricking myself into believing that becuz the guys in my life are useless. i dunno. i just don't have time for drama or unnecessary pain. and i think they both bring that to the table. why can't i just find someone special who sees me for the beauty that i am. inside and out. i want my love whoever he may be, to see me and only me. and choose me and only me. and to be honest no matter what the outcome may be or how much pain it may cause. see i have one dumbass who is afraid to hurt my feelings and the other idiot who doesn't like to make me feel special. how fuckin dumb are they lol. but whatever life goes on and thats why i act the way i do now. i used to be this huge cake who just loved to cuddle and here those sweet nothings and kiss and hold hands and rub and just feel special all day long. but now i'm like i need my space homey. why are u staring into my eyes weirdo. u miss me? okay and? lol thats me i'm just mean but thats what i be thinking for real. i guess they ran up my damn patience or something. who knows. maybe i'm just faking lol.

i've definitely changed but i'm still JUST me! plus i'm becoming an aunt at the moment so nothing makes me smile harder.

***MUAH***
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...

so tell me how i got here? how did i get to the point where my BD has broken me down and hurt me once again. i guess TRUE love never dies and it definitely doesn't decrease in value. VALUE? i valued what we had... well i guess the point is i value what we have but how could he. how could he let that happen. i call that the unforgiveable. i guess! why didn't he tell me though. like come on. my heart is always on his side. how could he not know that. how did he miss that lesson. his initials are tattooed on my heart no matter who i'm with or where i'm at. (jordin sparks huh) lol but yet and still i can laugh but its not funny. its not funny at all. even the laughter hurts. i just can't pull it together this time. i'd just rather act like it didn't happen i'd rather act like i don't know him but how can i!? this is madness... the exact definition of madness. MADNESS! i can't really describe what i feel or why and i can't show it really but its nothing that anyone should ever feel. my heart is done its closed off and shut down and he says i'm making it worse by having nothing to say anymore. but to me there is nothing worst than how i feel. i'm one up always. "F" it!!!! i'll just let it be and hopefully this doesn't ruin me. hopefully i just think its this bad and tomorrow i'll be more rational. .... NOPE "F" ration. what he did was not RATIONAL. just whatever. i'm so over it... or not!

i promised to seal every post with a kiss... this one is just not as passionate as the rest... sorry

***MUAH***
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I WANT MORE!

so i let my dougie go. is it wrong to stay say "my"? whatever who cares. well i guess i didn't completely let him go just the intimate part which i'm pretty sure ruins everything else. i was too attached to someone who is damn near incapable of opening up. when i asked him what he liked about me he said "everything', lol he might as well had said because i'm cute so my response was "thats easy" but he didn't get it. so anyway i hope i can stay away from him becuz he's definitely my bad girl side. which made me forget about what i really want. i lost track of my true becuz obviously when everything is fun and great u don't think about what u need becuz u got everything u want, right!
so now that i've been facing some hard times i realized that he is far from what i need he is more like a vacation spot. a very intense and attractive vacation spot. i'm not saying that my feelings were fake or anything becuz i sure enough dropped a tear for this fool but it just wasnt at all what it felt like for the moment. like what was i thinking calling myself loving someone who i can't even confide in. i mean i'm sure he'd listen but he said i complained too much as if i didn't have anything to complain about. that used to get on my nerves. but whatever.
so after realizing how empty that relationship was i realized that i was kinda comparing him to my BD, who is horrible might i add. but he is the sweetest person and he really cares about me though he is a lying cheating ass loser. he was always there for me to run to, well unless it was him that was the problem lol. but he has been trying to be here for me but i won't let him in. i think that if i let him be here for me then i'll get sucked back into his madness and end up back in his madness. lol i hate that he did me so wrong becuz things would've been so great. i guess i'm not a ride or die though. too bad for us.
so as much as i want someone to take a walk with me...
let me explain this real quick. me and wifey have decided that the true test of love is to find someone who is willing to walk with u. so back to what i was saying lol
... i don't think i'll be taking this walk anytime soon. its only one person who i've ever been just completely wrapped up in and i don't trust him worth shit. he said i'm just afraid of the same things happening but i told him that its inevitable becuz thats just him and i think it really hurt his heart but i just gotta be honest. then there are other things like i can't really get over the fact that he had some other girl thinkin she took my place or the fact that he had my child around this tramp. and then of all things i don't think i could ever in my life have sex with him ever again (ugh). just the thought of it makes my skin crawl... not that it was bad or anything but we've been with other people and it just wouldn't feel right (i'm guessing). so anyway i'm stuck with the blues as bee put it. i want whats real but i want it now and waiting for that right person seems like it'll take forever. and obviously i'm not down on love i'm just afraid its not right for me.
i will say that i got the best love ever and thats my MOOKIE's love! she's awesome and when all else fails this goofy child can make me smile!

***MUAH***
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DEAR JOHN!

so in the middle of me writing my dear john letter to dougie i got some disturbing news. baby daddy called me saying i was full of shit and so on and so forth. said i was still tryin to be with dougie when i was in fact doing the opposite. so i don't get it. then he says he heard i was tryin to cuff this fool. i dont understand. come on read my posts lol. anyone who knows me know i was tryin to leave that boy alone. but get this. the funniest part is all becuz i said i missed him he thought we could get married. so i was just playin with his heart obviously... but not really but i will now lol i love me.

***MUAH***
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BOYS SUCK!!!

boys suck and they are losers. no matter who they are or what they can do for u they still suck. i wish i didn't care about him or other him becuz i feel like they are both breaking my heart right now wtf!
nevertheless things just have to get better, they just have to. maybe i should just start using niggas and playing them like they play me. HA!

***MUAH***
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MAYBE!

i'm starting to think that maybe my baby is my baby for a reason like maybe we don't have to end up together and he could be helping me in ways that i don't understand at the moment. so maybe leaving him alone isn't such a good idea. idk! i'll figure it out i'm so very indecisive. but thats me!

***MUAH***
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WHO AM I?

all of a sudden i'm kinda punkish! not in the wild and crazy rocker way, but in the soft ass bitch way. like i actually went to see my baby and didn't bring up anything that was bothering me. i kinda touched on it the other night but not nearly as much as i should have. but i'll be drinking tonight so hopefully i talk to him so i can spit it all out. its weird because i really wanna keep him around and not just becuz of the whip appeal. i just really got into him i guess. but if its pointless then i gotta realize what i really want. do i really wanna be CANDICE for a while or do i really want something more? if the truth is that i want something more then i need to leave him alone but if i'm gone be CANDICE then i can keep him and collect a few more.

but how about my baby daddy... we were really getting along and i was actually missing him a bit but then its always that something that says same shit different day. he never changes. always a liar always a disappointment. PERIOD! it just doesn't change. most irritating shit ever. but whatever life goes on and i deal with it. but i definitely don't have to deal with him. NEXT!

so now its seems like everything is getting worse for me and better for others. i mean its great that everybody isn't doing as bad as i am but its like when is my turn (sad face) again lol. i smile through anything tho. especially when i got a bad girl for a wifey and an angel is disguise for a daughter. i'll be fine i guess

***MUAH***
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SOOO...

...i'm still stuck with my baby. i guess i'll hold it in until the next time i see him so we can have that "last time" so i can feel like a nigga lol well like my old bad girl self. since thats where we at now.

...i've been talking to baby daddy a lot lately and he asked me to marry him .. random.. but i said no. i think he just wanted to see my reaction. i love him but i just dont see it anymore. why now though i mean. why after i leave why are dudes like that but whatever won't complain about that anymore its just how they are. i guess

...i was feeling a little better because i thought my brakes were fixed but now they talking about not until tomorrow so my car has to sit at this shop over night and i dont know how i'm getting to work. wtf! but i guess its kinda a good thing. so I'll (CHEESE!!)

***MUAH***
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LABOR DAY!!!

how about after the best day ever in a long while... i come home to find out my bag that has my life in it is still in my sister's trunk. SO VERY ANGRY. but whatever and on top of that i've decided to leave my baby to just do him. lol at me still callin him my baby. i don't think i'll ever stop. but yeah i guess when he finally finds time for his supposedly #1, then i'll have a lil sit down and and put everything out on the table and not really care how he responds. well maybe i guess it kinda depends. but yeah i think i'll do that and just let it be with B!
now on to another stressful week of working and driving everyone around. hopefully i get some things accomplished. if not then i'll be back on here venting lol


***MUAH***
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