CONFUSION!

so....... i have a question... how do u show concern towards someone who has made it clear that they don't wanna speak to u!? i mean... the best i can do is try. but the words "i dont wanna talk to her" just keeps ringing in my head. i mean i'm not mad i just don't understand... why not me? what have i done!? i feel like my job has been revoked or something. but hey i roll with many punches and i guess i can definitely take this blow to the head. i guess.... maybe its nothing personal. well hopefully its nothing personal but i won't know. i don't even know what to do from here on. like whats my next move. i don't even know where this person is... this person... WIFEY!!! i don't know whats going on with her but WIFEY if u read this... I HOPE EVERYTHING IS OKAY!

sealed with a kiss directed to WIFEY...

***MUAH***
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UNFULFILLED LOVE!

lips won't move.. so my fingers have to

never did i think we'd be done b4 we finished. never did i dream of being threw b4 i got to show my true. how could u walk away with my heart when i'm standing still? standing still tryin to turn back time and see into the future all at once. my poor soul doesn't want to believe that its mate is gone without a plan of returning. how silly of u heart? how foolish of u love? why be unfulfilled?

the worst kinda love is love that didn't take its course. a love with unfinished business? how ridiculous... a love ghost? or a ghost of love? thats what my soul feels like right now. i guess this is how it feels when soulmates don't stick together when hearts that were once linked so perfectly decide to break the chain. i doubt the chain is broken though. i'm so dead inside, so hollow behind this chest... they both must be resting inside of him.

resting? i miss resting with him. whats the big deal?! love has lost again right?! does love ever really lose? or just the loser in love? so why love right?! why even wanna get to know true love? i think its the realness that kills us. whats real?! this is real. i am real. but love.. love has no destiny and its far from being a choice. love is natural and pure and a part of being! but being in love is the hardest concept to grasp.

our love was amazing and fun and entertaining and rich. it was full of surprises and i was ready for many more. but there won't be any. at least not for me. but if i'd had some kinda sign.. or warning... things would've been different right?! there i was thinking true love conquers all... i'd like to think so though!

my love's so unfulfilled. gotta just let it be! but i can't, can i? here i am dripping with passion...

***MUAH***
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WILL BE DECIDED IN 2009!

whats missing from my life is a love fulfilled. i've loved one with all i had and he repeatedly made me want to regret it. but still to this day i'm thinking why would i? i had the most fun i could ask for. and most of all i know how empowering and special love makes u feel. sure it has its negatives but most importantly it made me real. i mean the way i felt when i was with himis just different and more amazing then any other feeling.

but i can't erase the past and i can't act like i dont see the millions of mountains and miles between us. it hurts thinking that i can never take him back. i know i'm who he really wants but how do give him his way when he refused to give me mine a thousand times. i sometimes wich he did love that other girl so that he wouldn't torture me with all of his "i love u" and "i need u bad" text messages. i don't find myself needing him as much as i used to. but yet i don't find myself needing anyone well i probably do be in this lonely state i'm in i fidn it better not to really reach out. so while he's lookin for me to expect something amazing outta him i think i would be terrified if something amazig did happen. i dunno i'm kinda screwed.

oh yeah and my dougie.... man o man... my dougie. i've doen a really good job at sticking to my guns with this boy eventhough i haven't really gotten the chane to really test my limits but still i'm been good. but now its like i don't know what i want from him. i used to just wanna know that he cared but dammit if this past weekend haven't showed me that then i don't know what will. i mean he may not be in love with me but.... its something there. he just choosing not to voice whatever it is. i can deal with it for now i guess.

one last thing... that benjy guy is so on my nerves. now he feels the need to stress me about phone calls and what not like he's still number 1. HA! how f'n hilarious is he? u drop me and i damn sure won't care about pickin u up honey! but yet he calls early in the morning and send those why u not talkin to me text messages. i dunno if i should even entertain the situation. maybe i will maybe i won't but he's definitely not going to get the best of me this time. i guarantee it! later for him lol

so there are only two things in the air for me. 1.. is my one true... 2... is a possible relationship being formed with someone i would definitely have to teach how to love me. so no need to pull out the pros and cons right!? who wants to teach a man to love? but whatever happens won't happen until 2009 lol

***MUAH***
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BOYS!!!

why is it that every dude i know has been getting caught up lately or just been doing the dumbest shit ever. too many hurting females out here. they better watch out.

okay so today i got a call from an old boo! so unexpected and dumb as hell. see this is actually my most recent ex if u can say we were actually a couple. but he lives in AL and we've been friends for a while and then he tried to WIFE me from a distance. now mind u i was down for this dude. well i cheated on him after he disappointed me real quick but for a whole month i was all him lol. that sounds bad but whatever. u would have to know the whole story. so all of a sudden he got distant. FYI bad idea to get distant when there is already a huge distance between us literally. so anyway. we broke up on some childish drrunken text that my friend sent and i never heard from him until today. this was almost 2 months ago and now he talkin about he miss me. i don't get it. but i think this kinda put things in perspective for me. i think the reason why i'm so dead inside is becuz of him. like i felt like no matter what me and him would alwasy be me and him and he just let go with no words or nothing. like i didn't mean shit. so then i got so focused on dougie that i thought he would fill that void but it didn't happen like that. i just realized it. dougie was my physical and benjy (my ex) he was my emotional. he had me wrapped up and then he said "f" me. so i been mad at dougie when i shouldn't be. i mean i really do have feelings for dougie i mean mad feelings but i can't expect him to feel the same. i forgot how easy things were when benjy was in the picture. thenits like my dumbass BD makes things so much worse. i try to give him the benefit of the doubt and he just ruins everything all over again. granted if i could just fuse all 3 of them together i would have one cute ass, honest ass, loving ass, motivated ass dumbass boyfriend lol! but that just can't happen so forget it all!

all i need is a sugar daddy and i'm set lol

***MUAH***
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I"M SO CONFUSED

i swear i'm so retarded. how is it that i decide to soften up but then i choose to be nice to both dudes who i probably need to get outta my life lol. well i'm pretty stuck with BD but damn i can't get away from this drama. and its only internal drama becuz they don't even know that there is a problem. BD tries to back off when he knows i'm easily irritated but i think in his mind he thinks i'm with someone else. and my other loser just insists on acting like nothing ever went wrong between us. so i'm like whatever. i can play the game... but is that really what i wanna do? who knows right?! but its whatever. just can't wait to get my MOMO back home!

***MUAH***
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I'VE CHANGED!

i've definitely changed a lot this year. i didn't realize it until recently tho. i don't know if i've developed tougher skin or if my skin is actually getting softer so i decided to build a wall before i get too vulnerable. whatever it is its definitely showing a brand new side of me. i mean i'm not bitter but i'm mean and raw and i really don't care what anyone thinks. i play games a lot and i act like the victim lol. well in most cases i was a victim and maybe thats why i'm so shielded now. i dunno.

the good thing is i'm not a total pooper. my love is still the same and i don't find it hard to be happy for the people around me. i talked to my friend who used to be jealous of my past relationship and though her and her man aren't doing great i was encouraging her to do her best. i know what it feels like to be happy and in love and to feel like even when u have nothing left u have someone to hold u up when u just wanna give up. i know that feeling all too well and i want my friends to enjoy that. i really do. my WIFEY is totally cut off now becuz she gotta man lol. she doesn't need me anymore lol. sike no dude can be me but i can't be so stingy now. i get it.

as far as my love life goes. i don't think i want one. well maybe i'm tricking myself into believing that becuz the guys in my life are useless. i dunno. i just don't have time for drama or unnecessary pain. and i think they both bring that to the table. why can't i just find someone special who sees me for the beauty that i am. inside and out. i want my love whoever he may be, to see me and only me. and choose me and only me. and to be honest no matter what the outcome may be or how much pain it may cause. see i have one dumbass who is afraid to hurt my feelings and the other idiot who doesn't like to make me feel special. how fuckin dumb are they lol. but whatever life goes on and thats why i act the way i do now. i used to be this huge cake who just loved to cuddle and here those sweet nothings and kiss and hold hands and rub and just feel special all day long. but now i'm like i need my space homey. why are u staring into my eyes weirdo. u miss me? okay and? lol thats me i'm just mean but thats what i be thinking for real. i guess they ran up my damn patience or something. who knows. maybe i'm just faking lol.

i've definitely changed but i'm still JUST me! plus i'm becoming an aunt at the moment so nothing makes me smile harder.

***MUAH***
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...

so tell me how i got here? how did i get to the point where my BD has broken me down and hurt me once again. i guess TRUE love never dies and it definitely doesn't decrease in value. VALUE? i valued what we had... well i guess the point is i value what we have but how could he. how could he let that happen. i call that the unforgiveable. i guess! why didn't he tell me though. like come on. my heart is always on his side. how could he not know that. how did he miss that lesson. his initials are tattooed on my heart no matter who i'm with or where i'm at. (jordin sparks huh) lol but yet and still i can laugh but its not funny. its not funny at all. even the laughter hurts. i just can't pull it together this time. i'd just rather act like it didn't happen i'd rather act like i don't know him but how can i!? this is madness... the exact definition of madness. MADNESS! i can't really describe what i feel or why and i can't show it really but its nothing that anyone should ever feel. my heart is done its closed off and shut down and he says i'm making it worse by having nothing to say anymore. but to me there is nothing worst than how i feel. i'm one up always. "F" it!!!! i'll just let it be and hopefully this doesn't ruin me. hopefully i just think its this bad and tomorrow i'll be more rational. .... NOPE "F" ration. what he did was not RATIONAL. just whatever. i'm so over it... or not!

i promised to seal every post with a kiss... this one is just not as passionate as the rest... sorry

***MUAH***
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