here we go again...

so i gotta feeling im about to be single again... life is so f'n dumb right now... so i guess im unhappy and its supposedly my fault...

so bookie claims that since he dont like what ive been doing he checked himself outta the relationship sorta speak... but pause... all thru his doing wrong and whatever else i never just gave up while still claiming to be his i simply told him how i felt and let him be free...play... but now this idiot decided to just be an a s s all while feelin like we shouldnt be together.

so im tryin to get him to understand that he really messing us up.. becuz if he wasnt so stuck on whatever his thoughts are then we would be fine becuz he would still be keeping me happy but instead he took the selfish route.. i cant get with this. dont really know what to do with the situation. i feel so lost and empty and i dont like this feeling. im not this girl but i guess sometimes u step outta your element for love... maybe i dunno yet. still tryin to work this so that we both can feel like we came out on top u know. i hate not feeling like he cares and i hate him feeling like i dont care. its not true and it hurts my heart soo much. but if we dont figure things out then we just werent meant to be.

passion is all we need

***MAUH***
keepin it pretti

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ME... SIKE

so this past weekend i was in east lansing because i had a few graduations to attend. nevertheless mother's day was sunday and i didnt plan on haveing fun at all since my bookie had to work all day. my plan was to make it back late saturday night so i could have a little time to spend with him. so anyway... he had the place to himself all weekend and of course i stated that i wanted to come home to a clean apartment.. did that happen noooo.

first off... he got drunk saturday night so when i got home he was passed out and barely acknowledged me.. what a waste? then i wake up only to have to clean up my kitchen and bathroom and all the while he's laying in the bed talkin about a stop we have to make before he goes to work. so of the B I T C H came out. i mean i was going off for a good 10 mins. i was really angry and felt unappreciated and just disappointed in him... i hate when he disappoints me.

so then me fussin and callin him stupid all of a sudden ignited something in this fool to start going off about something we argued about 2 weeks prior. then he does the dumbest thing ever.. he punched my glass table. i wanna to kill him for doing something that damn dumb over something so dumb. so i ended up kicking him out. lol

its really not funny but the thing is he is mad that im friends with dougie... yes dougie... thing is he really has nothing to worry about. me and dougie have always been friends and will always be that. its not that serious. i really feel like he dont trust me even though i've never given him any reason not to. i've always done what was right for us... minus a few things but none of these things ever happened while me and him were together. he is fool to me. but i love him and i now where his heart is and he is just afraid of losing me again. but i wont let that happen well not unless he breaks another table... by the way we are back together... i can deal with a little insecurity but its the damage that he caused that bothers me. he wrecks us and obviously the furniture with this bs and i just wanna slap him upsode his head and say "look dummy u got me and all this is unnecessary." i feel like im over everything bad that ever happened and now he's creating more crap for me to push to the side. i cant do that all the time. i grew up and i dont wanna have to put up with nonsense not when we are so great now. i mean he wants to tell me i cant talk to him and just have that be it. but what he doesnt realize is if we start running each others life then we'll end up miserable becuz all we do is what the other thinks is ok. on the other hand i know im in a relationship and its my job to stay true and loyal to mine and thats exactly what i do and what i have been doing. i'm always at my best for him and he needs to be man enough to see that. well i guess he sees it but sometimes he's wants to be blinded by the devil on his shoulder. ugh i hate this part lol.

but i'm a happy camper. and i do believe that we will forever remain the amazing match. i just dont like the self sabotage. he needs some help. and that help has to come from me. so i gotta figure something out. we gotta start doing new things and really reaching out to each other.

last night we were laying in the bed and he said "we dont talk anymore"... i told him we dont talk like we used to becuz b4 he was just tellin me what i wanted to hear in order to keep me around. so now i guess new means of communication are needed. i'll get back and update on what works for us and what doesn't... please believe I'M MARRYING THIS FOOL lmao

by the way.... BIG UPS TO WIFEY FOR TREATING ME TO APPLEBEE'S ON MOTHER'S DAY. the food really help calm my nerves lol... she's always there for me.

til next time

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

SO bday update

let me start off by saying... YESSSSS... its was bunches of fun. its was like 20 of us there for my party alone... everybody was lookin really nice too

so here's the drama.... so usually we cause drama within our own circle due to drinking or what not... but nope not on my bday... so my bookie's ex-boo ended at the same damn place where we were partying... needless to say that tramp is lucky she was able to walk up out of there with no assistance... so long story short. she obviously came for drama and mission accomplished... but so very wrong... she messed with my PG's mainly WIFEY and i dont play that sh*t. if i see her anytime soon she will pay for what she did.... lifetime guaranty just came with those words.. i just felt like it was no reason for any of it.. she didnt stop my shine and WIFEY was laughin 5 mins later but still.. i wanted to kill her. sorry i didnt go into great details but i just wanted this stuff to be over and obviously im still pissed... ugh.. i hate when im like this.

my main thing now is i shoulda beat her a s s a long time ago... why was i so damn nice.. but at least i learned my lesson now. i still dont get her problem tho.. she was with my bd,... i got him now but still i never disrespected her.. was always a woman about mine and get this its been like 6 months and she got a man... why she still worried about us this way.. so confusing.. she needs to get a life before she lose her life.. i so sick of this..

other than that madness... me and bookie got into about me talkin to dougie.. but im not a child and i dont think its right for him to sit up and say who i can and can not talk to. a friend is a friend.. especially when you're in a secure and stable relationship.. there is no distraction there. i hope he sees things my way. not so the i can still talk to dougie but just becuz i wanna know that we're for real..

thats it for now

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

APRIL 25th

MY BIRTHDAY IS IN 4 MORE DAYS... BUT IM PARTYING IN 3 MORE DAYS... I CANT WAIT. IM TURNING 23... OUCH.. BUT WHATEVER I GOTTA GET OLDER I HAVE A GROWING CHILD LOL

ANYWHO WILL REPORT BACK WITH THE MANY DETAILS OF HOW MUCH FUN I HAD.. WELL I BETTER HAVE FUN.. LOL I'LL CRY IF I DONT. ANY WAY I WISH HONEY BEE COULD COME.. BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS... SISI IS MISSING OUT TOO. SO HOPEFULLY I'LL BE TOO DRUNK TO FEEL HAVE COMPLETE LOL

***MUAH***
KEEPIN IT PRETTI

INTIMACY!!

so i think guys need to read a book on the meaning of the word... INTIMACY... or at least my guy needs to lol

so u know before i said our connection was deeper.. well it is but i think that when sex isnt being had often then u are forced to find more connection. now that we live together we have sex like every other day. unless its that time u know...

so anyway the other day i had to check him.. like its other things that we can experience or get into without it actually leading to sex. i guess he just been too excited but im like when is it going to die down. i get exhausted sometimes just having to wake up in the morning. i need something more relaxing. so it came to the point that when he crawls in bed and immediately holds me then that mean he wants it but if he dont he just crawls into bed and go to sleep. i dont appreciate that at all. so i had to check him and i hope he gets the point becuz other than that he wont be getting anything. and im so very serious lol

so ima have to buy him a book or strike on his butt becuz he foolin.. i already gotta worry about momo coming in there in the middle of the night so i dont sleep right with her in the middle of us. its not great at all.. but yet and still things are great but not perfect lol.. i could ask for more but then what would be the point

love it still

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

SO BACK TO MY LIFE NOW LOL

so i finally moved. and i love my new place. at first i wasnt spending a lot of time there due to work but since i only work 30 hours now im at home more often. i just love spending qt with the fam.. well sometimes. lol my daughter is getting so bad now and she doesnt listen to anything i say ever... terrible terrible twos lol

me and my bookie are doing great..well most days. we dont really have drama even though everytime i text or get on fb he has a problem with it. still.... i feel like he dont trust me or like he is worried about something which in return worries me. like i be whatever on him. i dont know whathe does when im at work and i usually dont care until he start actin like im doing something wrong. well i kinda am but still how would he know.. let me clarify... i dont cheat or anything but i do talk to dougie a lot. i dunno why.. i guess its still some feelings there but me and him have always been able to be cool anyway so its just nice to talk and laugh with him sometimes. it would never... never say never... but i dont ever think it would come to anything harmful to my relationship and trust im not the type to leave someone for someone else so its innocent.. i promise. thing is i know that if bookie knew it would cause some madness but he should know that what we have is real and that he has nothing to worry about. i know that now and i know that if i found out that he was talkin to someone from his past on the phone i would just make sure it was platonic and keep it moving. thats where i am in my relationship now. im at that we bigger and better than that petty s h i t. i dunno. hopefully he feels the same. if not that we not on the same page and its just not meant... but i know the truth so im not worried (CHEESE) lol

so im loving my life still. hating my job though, tryin to be a better friend to all of my friends but i just gotta find time u know. i've been seeing lots of my family lately and i love it. im just feeling good right now. of with these bills i dont have as much money as i want but i guess thats life. i'm tryin to get used to it and find ways to save.. oh and im tryin to get in shape for the summer. im supposed to be going back to ATL and takin a trip to florida. gotta look nice in my bathing suit lol

anyway i think that about it for now.. anything else can probably be found on the videoblogs wifey is setting up.. until next time

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

Random!!!!!!

so i decided to blog randomly and read my wifey blog first.. so let me let something out real quick

... okay so I get what she is saying and i dont have a problem with her choosing do better with her life. i think its great. i just dont understand why she thinks we feel like we have to drink. she been knowing me way before i started drinking and we always have fun. i didnt drink the night of her bday dinner or anytime when free was here. so when she says things like we have to drink or party and she dont want us to talk to her less becuz we drink and she dont.. i feel like that is crazy. how many times have we been to the movies or out to eat or anything with out a drink. im been out plenty of times with out drinking and as far as partying when was the last time i went to a club..umm i dunno. but my bday is coming up and im sure i will be drinking but whatever thats just me. i can only speak up for myself and i know i shouldnt feel like... damn i need to defend myself but it is what it is. it was said and im thinking... it was my idea to blog sober and since ive moved ive invited her over how many times just to chill. its a lot more people who party and drink way more than we do and started way younger than we did. like i said i think its great but i just didnt want it to be like.. oh my friends drink and party like everyone else and im a follower becuz i do it too. like no... thats not what it is. yes we do a lot of stuff in the moment to have fun or feel good. but yes u live and u learn and your decisions are on u. but now i feel like okay so is she gonna not hang if i wanna party and drink... since when did parting become a bad thing but i guess we'll just see how all of this unfolds...

UPDATE!!!

so... anyway... since i last blogged
... i helped my bro get a car so i'm not the only taxi any more
... i'm looking for a new job, not becuz i have to. im still employed and my position is held but i need more and since there is no longer any room for promotion. i gotta move on... hopefully
... my bookie got a new job... nothing special but it will help pay the bills
... speaking of bills i am about to have a lot more considering...... IM MOVING INTO MY OWN PLACE... FINALLY.. IN ABOUT 6 DAYS
... therefore my lil honey bee do not close your blog i will definitely have more time to get on here. i promised to blog and i dont normally break promises. smooches hun. glad to know u lovin where you're at.
... so yeah since i have my own place now im cooking my wifey a birthday dinner. my first homecooked meal in my new place is going to be for my wifey... how about that lol

other than that... everything has been pretty cool. i mean work is work my family has been a lot cooler since they found out that im not moving with them. i just took a trip to ATL and had a bunch of fun then it snowed in GA i didnt understand lol. anyway my baby was sick for 2 weeks lost 5 pounds but she is doing way better now and eating everything she sees i swear. and my bookie and i are freakin great... well except for this one thing...

see here's the problem. we dont have a lot of intimate time. so any time that we get where its like "no ones lookin" he think that qualifies as freaky time. but no. not for me. i guess i hate the thought of being 22 and sexing so that no one can hear me. or having to stop and listen at every footstep. its so irritating. so its been rough. i work all the time and my momo is always around. its just hard for me but he dont get it sometimes. he just be horny i guess. so we fuss then we cuddle. lol but i think thats about to change since we're out and on our own finally.. oh goodness im so very excited... but anyway im just glad that we are both experiencing this new found connection with each other but normally without s e x we'd be lost and always at each others throat. but i love him oh so much and im 110% sure that this is for real this time. ... wait... my silly self actually called myself missing dougie for like 2 seconds, but i got real and snapped back to reality... there's no other for me i swear. my bookie bear feeds my soul. he completes me like so for real. u guys have no idea. kinda tearing up right now just thinking about him... this man really loves me and spoils me and levels me and challenges me and is willing to do whatever. i couldnt ask for more. everynight... he says "i'm going to marry joy. i promise baby. you gonna marry me?" i just smile give him a kiss and say "yes baby, i'm going to marry you." (i need my damn ring) lol

well i gotta go get my bookie. until next time..

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

so many changes to come....

so i was propositioned yesterday with a nice little opportunity..
that for 1 gets me outta my moms and into my own place which is my main goal in 2009 anyway. and 2 helps me out financially. sounds weird right but if u only knew. and 3 allows me bookie and momo to literally have our own place and momo her own room again (birds chirping) lol normally its not nothing i would agree to but i kinda hopped right on this one. hopefully this works out. don't wanna say too much about it tho... fingers crossed.

so next this new proposition also came at the right time.. just found out my family is going to have to move in about 60 days anyway... ugh! (no eviction, the owner lost the house) its so frustrating but we hate my neighborhood anyway (detroit sucks).

so i'm finally about to get my license again... sigh... no more riding dirty. and we took care of the ticket bookie got while we were double dating with wifey and chi boy.

so its tax season and i told my bro i would let him borrow a grand to get a car since i plan on moving out but happen to be the only one in the house with a car. but i had already told him this before and he is acting like he don't want a loan. its not like i'm going to press him to give it right back. i would just rather help him out since he's done so much for us. i know he's good for it plus he's gettin promoted with a raise. lol

hmmm! i'm trying to think of some more things but at the moment i'm drawing a blank becuz momo is in my ear continuously askin me for some damn gum... all she gone do is swallow it anyway lol don't want that.

oh okay i remember... so my mother in law lol is tryin to get me in bcbs next month. more money hopefully that works. and bookie's job search is lookin good. i think. maybe i'm just optimistic but i gotta be. gotta referral for greek town casino... anyone want a job there?! lol

@ da end of the day still smiling and working towards a better me and a better life. until next time...


***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

2009... new beginnings!!!!!!!!!

so i'm going to make this quick becuz i have to get in the bath and get back to the fam... THE FAM!!!!!!! i love it. this is my life now.... i work, i gather everyone and we chill and we're in bed by 10pm unless its tuesday then its 11pm becuz i gotta watch bad girls club. lol

so new beginnings such as a better more stable life finally... i hope. well i gotta couple wishes first....

wish 1 - i hope for my bookie (aka the dumb baby daddy who i'm now back with.. love is so fulfilled) and donne (my bro in law) to both find new jobs. please bad economy let them be one of the lucky ones.

wish 2 - i want my two PG's (si and bee) to find real love. real completely confusing but very satisfyin love

wish 3 - for us PG's who have love... lets keep it.

wish 4 - i wish to keep all the friends i have now... no more no less. i love my life right now and as complicated as it gets i just want to deal with what i have.

so i know i said i only had a couple but 4 did the trick lol

anywho.... so yeah... im back with the BD and everything is more than great. yeah we still argue or what not but not about things that can't be fixed and yes that means i kicked dougie to the curb or he kicked himself i don't really know. all i know is that there is no room for him lol and i'm glad i finally realized what it was that kept me from him.

so my job is okay! now that i get to talk to WIFEY on chatroom when she's not busy. my friends are great well except for the usual suspects in jealous mode or whatever u wanna call it. but everything is lookin up... well my car is getting worse and worse but when i get my taxes... no complaints should come from me... i'm talkin about a 900 dollar fix all becuz i love my sunny boo and i would hate to go lookin for another car again... i mean that was so stressful.

i can't really think of any other updates at the moment... but i will try to blog more often.... just been kinda busy and tired and spending FAMILY TIME.. so love that lol
until next time...

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

HMMM!

so i told someone i would try to blog today and then i got on here read some things then decided against it! so...... anyway.. i guess i'll call this "keepin my mouth shut". its just not worth my words or thoughts at the moment. kinda wish i would've made this my first stop when i got on the internet. becuz something i did on another website so contradicts someones blog but nonethe less it all stands true from me! i dont know what thats about but okay! i'll be back later when i get myself thoughts together!

until then...

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

CONFUSION!

so....... i have a question... how do u show concern towards someone who has made it clear that they don't wanna speak to u!? i mean... the best i can do is try. but the words "i dont wanna talk to her" just keeps ringing in my head. i mean i'm not mad i just don't understand... why not me? what have i done!? i feel like my job has been revoked or something. but hey i roll with many punches and i guess i can definitely take this blow to the head. i guess.... maybe its nothing personal. well hopefully its nothing personal but i won't know. i don't even know what to do from here on. like whats my next move. i don't even know where this person is... this person... WIFEY!!! i don't know whats going on with her but WIFEY if u read this... I HOPE EVERYTHING IS OKAY!

sealed with a kiss directed to WIFEY...

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

UNFULFILLED LOVE!

lips won't move.. so my fingers have to

never did i think we'd be done b4 we finished. never did i dream of being threw b4 i got to show my true. how could u walk away with my heart when i'm standing still? standing still tryin to turn back time and see into the future all at once. my poor soul doesn't want to believe that its mate is gone without a plan of returning. how silly of u heart? how foolish of u love? why be unfulfilled?

the worst kinda love is love that didn't take its course. a love with unfinished business? how ridiculous... a love ghost? or a ghost of love? thats what my soul feels like right now. i guess this is how it feels when soulmates don't stick together when hearts that were once linked so perfectly decide to break the chain. i doubt the chain is broken though. i'm so dead inside, so hollow behind this chest... they both must be resting inside of him.

resting? i miss resting with him. whats the big deal?! love has lost again right?! does love ever really lose? or just the loser in love? so why love right?! why even wanna get to know true love? i think its the realness that kills us. whats real?! this is real. i am real. but love.. love has no destiny and its far from being a choice. love is natural and pure and a part of being! but being in love is the hardest concept to grasp.

our love was amazing and fun and entertaining and rich. it was full of surprises and i was ready for many more. but there won't be any. at least not for me. but if i'd had some kinda sign.. or warning... things would've been different right?! there i was thinking true love conquers all... i'd like to think so though!

my love's so unfulfilled. gotta just let it be! but i can't, can i? here i am dripping with passion...

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

WILL BE DECIDED IN 2009!

whats missing from my life is a love fulfilled. i've loved one with all i had and he repeatedly made me want to regret it. but still to this day i'm thinking why would i? i had the most fun i could ask for. and most of all i know how empowering and special love makes u feel. sure it has its negatives but most importantly it made me real. i mean the way i felt when i was with himis just different and more amazing then any other feeling.

but i can't erase the past and i can't act like i dont see the millions of mountains and miles between us. it hurts thinking that i can never take him back. i know i'm who he really wants but how do give him his way when he refused to give me mine a thousand times. i sometimes wich he did love that other girl so that he wouldn't torture me with all of his "i love u" and "i need u bad" text messages. i don't find myself needing him as much as i used to. but yet i don't find myself needing anyone well i probably do be in this lonely state i'm in i fidn it better not to really reach out. so while he's lookin for me to expect something amazing outta him i think i would be terrified if something amazig did happen. i dunno i'm kinda screwed.

oh yeah and my dougie.... man o man... my dougie. i've doen a really good job at sticking to my guns with this boy eventhough i haven't really gotten the chane to really test my limits but still i'm been good. but now its like i don't know what i want from him. i used to just wanna know that he cared but dammit if this past weekend haven't showed me that then i don't know what will. i mean he may not be in love with me but.... its something there. he just choosing not to voice whatever it is. i can deal with it for now i guess.

one last thing... that benjy guy is so on my nerves. now he feels the need to stress me about phone calls and what not like he's still number 1. HA! how f'n hilarious is he? u drop me and i damn sure won't care about pickin u up honey! but yet he calls early in the morning and send those why u not talkin to me text messages. i dunno if i should even entertain the situation. maybe i will maybe i won't but he's definitely not going to get the best of me this time. i guarantee it! later for him lol

so there are only two things in the air for me. 1.. is my one true... 2... is a possible relationship being formed with someone i would definitely have to teach how to love me. so no need to pull out the pros and cons right!? who wants to teach a man to love? but whatever happens won't happen until 2009 lol

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

BOYS!!!

why is it that every dude i know has been getting caught up lately or just been doing the dumbest shit ever. too many hurting females out here. they better watch out.

okay so today i got a call from an old boo! so unexpected and dumb as hell. see this is actually my most recent ex if u can say we were actually a couple. but he lives in AL and we've been friends for a while and then he tried to WIFE me from a distance. now mind u i was down for this dude. well i cheated on him after he disappointed me real quick but for a whole month i was all him lol. that sounds bad but whatever. u would have to know the whole story. so all of a sudden he got distant. FYI bad idea to get distant when there is already a huge distance between us literally. so anyway. we broke up on some childish drrunken text that my friend sent and i never heard from him until today. this was almost 2 months ago and now he talkin about he miss me. i don't get it. but i think this kinda put things in perspective for me. i think the reason why i'm so dead inside is becuz of him. like i felt like no matter what me and him would alwasy be me and him and he just let go with no words or nothing. like i didn't mean shit. so then i got so focused on dougie that i thought he would fill that void but it didn't happen like that. i just realized it. dougie was my physical and benjy (my ex) he was my emotional. he had me wrapped up and then he said "f" me. so i been mad at dougie when i shouldn't be. i mean i really do have feelings for dougie i mean mad feelings but i can't expect him to feel the same. i forgot how easy things were when benjy was in the picture. thenits like my dumbass BD makes things so much worse. i try to give him the benefit of the doubt and he just ruins everything all over again. granted if i could just fuse all 3 of them together i would have one cute ass, honest ass, loving ass, motivated ass dumbass boyfriend lol! but that just can't happen so forget it all!

all i need is a sugar daddy and i'm set lol

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

I"M SO CONFUSED

i swear i'm so retarded. how is it that i decide to soften up but then i choose to be nice to both dudes who i probably need to get outta my life lol. well i'm pretty stuck with BD but damn i can't get away from this drama. and its only internal drama becuz they don't even know that there is a problem. BD tries to back off when he knows i'm easily irritated but i think in his mind he thinks i'm with someone else. and my other loser just insists on acting like nothing ever went wrong between us. so i'm like whatever. i can play the game... but is that really what i wanna do? who knows right?! but its whatever. just can't wait to get my MOMO back home!

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

I'VE CHANGED!

i've definitely changed a lot this year. i didn't realize it until recently tho. i don't know if i've developed tougher skin or if my skin is actually getting softer so i decided to build a wall before i get too vulnerable. whatever it is its definitely showing a brand new side of me. i mean i'm not bitter but i'm mean and raw and i really don't care what anyone thinks. i play games a lot and i act like the victim lol. well in most cases i was a victim and maybe thats why i'm so shielded now. i dunno.

the good thing is i'm not a total pooper. my love is still the same and i don't find it hard to be happy for the people around me. i talked to my friend who used to be jealous of my past relationship and though her and her man aren't doing great i was encouraging her to do her best. i know what it feels like to be happy and in love and to feel like even when u have nothing left u have someone to hold u up when u just wanna give up. i know that feeling all too well and i want my friends to enjoy that. i really do. my WIFEY is totally cut off now becuz she gotta man lol. she doesn't need me anymore lol. sike no dude can be me but i can't be so stingy now. i get it.

as far as my love life goes. i don't think i want one. well maybe i'm tricking myself into believing that becuz the guys in my life are useless. i dunno. i just don't have time for drama or unnecessary pain. and i think they both bring that to the table. why can't i just find someone special who sees me for the beauty that i am. inside and out. i want my love whoever he may be, to see me and only me. and choose me and only me. and to be honest no matter what the outcome may be or how much pain it may cause. see i have one dumbass who is afraid to hurt my feelings and the other idiot who doesn't like to make me feel special. how fuckin dumb are they lol. but whatever life goes on and thats why i act the way i do now. i used to be this huge cake who just loved to cuddle and here those sweet nothings and kiss and hold hands and rub and just feel special all day long. but now i'm like i need my space homey. why are u staring into my eyes weirdo. u miss me? okay and? lol thats me i'm just mean but thats what i be thinking for real. i guess they ran up my damn patience or something. who knows. maybe i'm just faking lol.

i've definitely changed but i'm still JUST me! plus i'm becoming an aunt at the moment so nothing makes me smile harder.

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

...

so tell me how i got here? how did i get to the point where my BD has broken me down and hurt me once again. i guess TRUE love never dies and it definitely doesn't decrease in value. VALUE? i valued what we had... well i guess the point is i value what we have but how could he. how could he let that happen. i call that the unforgiveable. i guess! why didn't he tell me though. like come on. my heart is always on his side. how could he not know that. how did he miss that lesson. his initials are tattooed on my heart no matter who i'm with or where i'm at. (jordin sparks huh) lol but yet and still i can laugh but its not funny. its not funny at all. even the laughter hurts. i just can't pull it together this time. i'd just rather act like it didn't happen i'd rather act like i don't know him but how can i!? this is madness... the exact definition of madness. MADNESS! i can't really describe what i feel or why and i can't show it really but its nothing that anyone should ever feel. my heart is done its closed off and shut down and he says i'm making it worse by having nothing to say anymore. but to me there is nothing worst than how i feel. i'm one up always. "F" it!!!! i'll just let it be and hopefully this doesn't ruin me. hopefully i just think its this bad and tomorrow i'll be more rational. .... NOPE "F" ration. what he did was not RATIONAL. just whatever. i'm so over it... or not!

i promised to seal every post with a kiss... this one is just not as passionate as the rest... sorry

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

I WANT MORE!

so i let my dougie go. is it wrong to stay say "my"? whatever who cares. well i guess i didn't completely let him go just the intimate part which i'm pretty sure ruins everything else. i was too attached to someone who is damn near incapable of opening up. when i asked him what he liked about me he said "everything', lol he might as well had said because i'm cute so my response was "thats easy" but he didn't get it. so anyway i hope i can stay away from him becuz he's definitely my bad girl side. which made me forget about what i really want. i lost track of my true becuz obviously when everything is fun and great u don't think about what u need becuz u got everything u want, right!
so now that i've been facing some hard times i realized that he is far from what i need he is more like a vacation spot. a very intense and attractive vacation spot. i'm not saying that my feelings were fake or anything becuz i sure enough dropped a tear for this fool but it just wasnt at all what it felt like for the moment. like what was i thinking calling myself loving someone who i can't even confide in. i mean i'm sure he'd listen but he said i complained too much as if i didn't have anything to complain about. that used to get on my nerves. but whatever.
so after realizing how empty that relationship was i realized that i was kinda comparing him to my BD, who is horrible might i add. but he is the sweetest person and he really cares about me though he is a lying cheating ass loser. he was always there for me to run to, well unless it was him that was the problem lol. but he has been trying to be here for me but i won't let him in. i think that if i let him be here for me then i'll get sucked back into his madness and end up back in his madness. lol i hate that he did me so wrong becuz things would've been so great. i guess i'm not a ride or die though. too bad for us.
so as much as i want someone to take a walk with me...
let me explain this real quick. me and wifey have decided that the true test of love is to find someone who is willing to walk with u. so back to what i was saying lol
... i don't think i'll be taking this walk anytime soon. its only one person who i've ever been just completely wrapped up in and i don't trust him worth shit. he said i'm just afraid of the same things happening but i told him that its inevitable becuz thats just him and i think it really hurt his heart but i just gotta be honest. then there are other things like i can't really get over the fact that he had some other girl thinkin she took my place or the fact that he had my child around this tramp. and then of all things i don't think i could ever in my life have sex with him ever again (ugh). just the thought of it makes my skin crawl... not that it was bad or anything but we've been with other people and it just wouldn't feel right (i'm guessing). so anyway i'm stuck with the blues as bee put it. i want whats real but i want it now and waiting for that right person seems like it'll take forever. and obviously i'm not down on love i'm just afraid its not right for me.
i will say that i got the best love ever and thats my MOOKIE's love! she's awesome and when all else fails this goofy child can make me smile!

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti

DEAR JOHN!

so in the middle of me writing my dear john letter to dougie i got some disturbing news. baby daddy called me saying i was full of shit and so on and so forth. said i was still tryin to be with dougie when i was in fact doing the opposite. so i don't get it. then he says he heard i was tryin to cuff this fool. i dont understand. come on read my posts lol. anyone who knows me know i was tryin to leave that boy alone. but get this. the funniest part is all becuz i said i missed him he thought we could get married. so i was just playin with his heart obviously... but not really but i will now lol i love me.

***MUAH***
keepin it pretti